My life is filled with inspirational quotes. On my walls at home, in frames at the office, in notebooks and planners and on MP3s in my car, it always said things like:
- “You achieve what the mind believes.”
- “Don’t do 1/2 of the work and then be upset with 1/2 of the results.”
- “Go big or go home.”
- “Be brave and chase your dreams.”
- “You may have what it takes, but it’ll take everything you’ve got. Get after it.”
I believe in my dreams. I believe in making big dreams — I think there is a natural tendency to aim too low, and then inevitably still fall short. Better to chase big dreams! I believe in making plans, working hard, measuring results, adjusting plans based on results, and keeping after it. I believe in no-nonsense. I believe in mental toughness, fortitude, and discipline. I believe in getting sh*t done.
But there’s been something missing in my life. Don’t get me wrong. Yes, I recently married a wonderful man, and the Relationship sector of my life is off the charts. I adore him. I live in the city. I own my own company. I love my work. My employees are beyond wonderful. I’m a lucky gal.
But still, something was wrong. After a recent health scare, the details of which I will spare you, but just know that it involved an MRI and some scary blood work results, I had to sit back and think about what I am doing wrong in life. Why I keep on chasing after goals non-stop for months, only to end up in the doctor’s office with some new diagnosis and stuck missing work for days (or weeks) at a time. Why my business plans and schedules involve me going non-stop. Why I run myself ragged. Why I can’t ever seem to say enough is enough.
The answer, my friends, is I lacked self-compassion and self-care.
Being able to take care of myself and chase after my dreams seemed, at first, somehow wrong to me. According to author Robyn Cruze and Espa Andrus, LCSW, “Society, the media, and those around us give conflicting messages about self-care. Self-sacrifice is often touted as a quality of a ‘good’ person, while self-care can be considered self-indulgent. Each of us must identify where and how it is helpful to nurture and reward ourselves as a part of our individual path of self-care. The challenge is to walk your personal path of self-care, notice when you stray to either side [self-deprivation or self-indulgence], and then move back to it and just begin again.”
I recently met with a superb, experienced business mentor about these issues. I showed him my schedule. I told him I felt exhausted and discouraged, because some days I barely seemed to make a dent in what I felt I needed to do. He listened, he nodded, and then he made me a schedule with four hours per day of to-dos, and four hours per day of white space. The to-dos were the things that need to be done on a daily or weekly basis, like blog posts, speaking with my team or meeting potential advertisers. The white space, he explained, was partly for long-term projects, like the upcoming FutureDerm Book and editing some old FutureDerm posts. And it was partly to have lunch, take a walk, or to do things that keep me relaxed throughout the day.
Life has a natural rhythm and flow. Type A people don’t like to hear it. We like to think we can race ahead of the pack, do twice as much as others in an hour, and accelerate the rate projects go. There is some truth to that, but there is also truth to the fact that slowing down, calming down, being more present, focusing more, and connecting with your work and your team accelerates success just as much (if not more) than racing through the tasks.
Slowing down to a more natural pace of life also helps combat stress, inflammation, and negative emotions. As metaphysical lecturer Louise Hay says, “I’ve learned there are really just two mental patterns that contribute to disease: Fear and anger. Anger can show up as impatience, irritation, frustration, criticism, resentment, jealousy, or bitterness. Fear can be tension, anxiety, nervousness, worry, doubt, insecurity, feeling not good enough, and unworthiness. These are all thoughts that poison the body. We must learn to substitute faith for fear if we are to heal.”
Perhaps I’ll never lose my competitive drive and go-getter spirit. But I also am developing a new side, one of self-love, self-compassion, and self-care. I’m executing a more doable schedule on a daily basis. I’m learning how to recognize early body signals that something is wrong and letting myself take time off before it gets out of hand. And on my walls at home, in frames at the office, in notebooks and planners and on MP3s in my car, it now also says things like:
- “I trust the process.”
- “I lovingly take care of myself.”
- “I am enough, and I am doing enough.”
- “It’s OK to relax. It is safe. I will still succeed.”
So while I still admire the die-hard work ethic of social media guru Gary Vaynerchuk and Success magazine editor Darren Hardy (and countless others), it’s time for me to slow down and focus in. Perhaps it may take me longer to achieve my goals, but I am learning to love and accept myself enough to know it’s OK if my path is a little longer and takes me a little longer, if that is what I have to do to take care of myself.
Love,
Nicki